and when you realize lies are for liars

the best part of believe is the lie.

I hate finding out people who you thought you trusted are completely different people. Liars. Cheats. Drama loving, loud, annoying fools.
You know that feeling?
When someone you somehow trusted so quickly, you realize thrives on your conflicts? Loves the turbulence?
I know that feeling. (I just asked myself a question and answer it. Yay for completion.)
I know when someone I trust, love, care about almost more than anyone on the planet is someone who you realize loves to lie. To just fucking fight with you. Why do they fight?
Because they want more people to think they are experienced, I guess. Stronger. Smarter. Faster. More scene. More hardxcore. More brutal.
I'd guess I pride myself on being a drama free, generally chill person. I'd like to say I get mad in two situations: One, I'm PMSing. Two, that person fucking deserves it.
When I'm in a relationship with someone, I'd like that relationship to be completely drama free. Happiness all around. Being a reasonable person, I know no relationship can be perfect. But I know that one can be close to it.
So why do I surround myself with a person who just loves to fuck me over, in all senses? I'm not sure, at all, actually. Part of me not leaving that friendship is the feeling that I don't want to hurt her. I love her, still. I just can't stand her.
I feel like a week off from her couldn't cover it.
I don't know what to do, dude.
I also pride myself on bullshit free. As in, no fakeass makeup. No bullshitting to anyone. I don't talk to people I don't like. I talk to people I like. I (for the exception of a few) tell people how I truly absolutely feel about them, in every literal sense.
Why be shady when you can be upfront? This is a question I do not answer, but because I know the answer.
And I ask because I think you should, too.
I think this is the end of my blog.

i'd spend all night losing sleep.

Something is beyond missing here. Lately I can't find inspiration for anything. I can't pick up my guitar and make a sound. I can't open my mouth and say anything profound. I miss people I shouldn't be missing.
I'd have to say I'm feeling things I shouldn't be feeling.


When do you know when to stop feeling?


It's summer. Does it feel like summer? I feel like this summer was a wrong time. This summer, started at the wrong time. It should have waited a month. Yet at the same time, I feel differently. I feel that I need to just curl up in a ball.
Need to stop feeling.
Music can't match my mood, I can't eat without throwing it all up, I can't smile without having to frown. I feel like... I can't change.
Everyone tells me to change myself, for me. I can't change for me. I can't change. Not when my body is fighting against myself.

Red Kool-Aid is pretty delicious.

I miss Zak. He's amazing. I'd have to say he's one of my best friends. For some reason I feel like he has me on this string.
Like I'm his puppet.
I would honestly do anything just to get his attention for one second. I'm pretty sure that's not healthy. Something in his nonchalance kills me just a little bit more. His hugs, a lot more. His hair.. Consider me in the grave.


I'm actually, seriously listening to Hey There Delilah. Fuck me in the asshole.

It's not that bad of a song to begin with. And then it's like, fucking stop it. Stop it.


You know how every good band comes close to getting poisoned?
What if every good band was like every good person?
What if you found the person you couldn't live without, and they got poisoned, changed, ruined?
Would you still love that person?

It's what you do to me.
How do you deal with a person telling you that they aren't pulling back, but you know they are? That they aren't half as crazy about you as you are to them, how do you deal?
How do you live? Why, in every blog, must I go off on a tangent on questions that can't really be answered?


I became just another to him. Another. Conquest. Whore. Girl. Slut.
I don't know.


I don't even know what I am.

and in less than a week

i've hit rock bottom. it's a strange feeling i'd have to say. going from conquer, to conquered. i have a deadweight in my stomache that's not coming out anytime soon no matter how many times i try to throw up.
it's summer, and i couldn't be less happy. i don't know what to do. i want to act happy.
i take it out on my good friends, apparently.
this dead weight is like.. i guess the only word is culminating.
i'm trying to find art in something but all i see is dizzy.
i've stopped eating.
i've stopped thinking, too.
i can't make my head into thoughts, into words. i can't, just live.


i'm into my old cycle that i worked months to get out of..
get happy, get fucking sad thirty minutes later, lose a couple good friends, stop sleeping, dead weight, no eating, no happy.
get happy again. crash again. lose people again.
this was the hardest thing in the world.
what the fuck am i going to do with my life? does anyone ever ask you that?
what the FUCK are you doing with your life.
what are you even doing reading this blog? does this enlighten you? to do what, post another just like this? to tell your friends about it? i don't get it. i don't get any of it.
why do we do what we do? what are you going to do with yourself?
what am I going to do with myself?
i try to do all these things and never get around to it. why? i'm scared. i'm a pussy, when it comes down to it. i try to act badass with cuss words and hanging out with older people and taking pain with a dose of salt... but what am i, really? what are you? what are we?

and don't say human.

on the "bright hand," DCFC is in 12 days. that's something i'm happy for.

and the beat goes

with our hearts.
i have been feeling so creative lately that i think the creative is like tiny blood platelets in the color of a rainbow. one more, and the rainbows will come spewing out of my eyes and nostrils and ears and mouth and fingertips and the whole world will be in the beat with the hearts.


and rainbows.
people change like fucking crazy. people i thought i trusted turned out i can't trust at all. people i thought were my friends evolved into something more. people, people are the strangest things, and i'm finding lately my dog is way more fun than other people.
a good way to be able to sit indian style in a jean miniskirt is to put a jacket on your vagina!
i feel guilty. but then again why should i? if it's i want, i should do it.
i feel accomplished.
i feel like i can conquer.
i feel like i can do anything.
this is self confidence i haven't had in almost over threeyears.
go fucking diego go.
i feel like running forever. i feel like bursting out music and dancing around naked. i feel like fucking just having fun. fuck everyone else. fuck the haters. fuck everyone who brings you down. fuck everything thats ever brought you down.
and i fucking mean it. in all probability, you are gorgeous. you're strong. you're tall, you're shirt, you're skinny, you're everything and only three or four people are trying to hate you. not because they are jealous. because they are blind.
over one million people in the city of dallas. and somehow we all know eachother. we see eachother every day. we met eachother. how? meeting is strange.
with andi, i met her on the school bus when i was 9. she was 11.
i met jenna in the fifth grade. she did not like me.
i met zark at my first no comment show.
i met davis at my second.
i met everyone i know by some crazy coincedence.
whether we talk about pretzels or fucking crayons, we find the people we found for some reason. whether it fate, i'm not sure i believe in it. whether it chance, not sure ever.
i'd like to say i believe in just BEING. in, in something thats greater. but not spiritual.
science is the answer. strive for something. i can't strive for anything, i'm not good at anything, but i can try.
i can conquer.
"the best kind of art is the art you don't understand."
-davis austin williams.
i may not have been there. but i read it. i love it. i believe it.
do something you don't QUITE understand.
do something you know you shouldn't.
kiss someone who wants you to, you know you shouldn't.
hug someone who doesn't want you to, but you know you should.
introduce your two groups of friends. watch new paths be made.
one million, and you can conquer.

i'd have to say right now

i have nothing to say.
this weekend was indeed a good one. friday night i hung out with davis and zark. we wrastled and ate taco bell and played around with some music, and just layed around and got deep and got stupid and farted on eachother. i think that was an amazing thing to do.
saturday [today] i was at andi's. for her birthday. it was alright, i mean, no friday, but good enough. slip and slides galore! i figured out a few things about myself.
i think something changed. i was sitting there playing smother me by the used [great song] in front of the whole congregation of partiers and everything was different because that was a real moment.

even though i sucked balls.
people suck basically. i have recieved a hate note. which is uncool. very uncool.

i honestly can't say anything without giving myself away, i feel like. i would enjoy keeping myself to myself.


except i want to cuddle.

get out your party hats

it's my mom's birthday.

insomnia episode.

i've been thinking a lot lately. none of it good. one of the things i've realized will change me forever. and i'm afraid to tell anyone. why? i'm not sure. i'm really, really not sure, but i don't want people to think of me differently.
i really hate how i care what people think of me.
i've had so many fucking insomnia episodes lately it's driving me up the fucking wall... i can barely even see anything anymore. every second i close my eyes it wanders and i'm fucked up further. sleep is not even real to me. just... a dream. no pun intended.
and some people who i thought i could honestly trust. turns out i can't.

"i think u r fat and insecure bout that and u really do care that people call u fat. i also find u horrific and disgusting in the way that u look and act. u r an attention whore and a bitch. u r very annoying. i dislike havingtosee you so much. im glad i wont have to see u ever again after this year. i dont know why people like u. gross. i hate you.
i like yur myspace song though and im sure u have a kinda nice personality but i really dont like u. no hard feelings or anything just speaking my opinion.
maybe that wuz a little to harsh. oh well its jus wat i think."

that pretty much sums up my personality, y/n?
yeah.
i've been missing my ex... a LOT, lately. like, rediculous amounts. i wrote some shit about him i guess.
"i can barely keep my eyes open. everything is out of focus and far away... these are the moments i miss him. because when everything is fuzzy, it reminds me of us together. laying on my bed with my head on his chest. or kissing him while he played the guitar.. or him calling me beautiful and babe and i believed it because it was him. and knowing if he was here, i wouldn't be so tired. he was my lullaby. i would be happy. he was my heart. i wouldn't be almost crying. i miss his kisses. his smell. his calloused hands. his hugs. his, "i love you's." how against alcohol he was then, and how now he isn't. how pretty he thought i was and how pretty i knew i wasn't. him keeping me up late and waking me up early. his music. his laugh. his voice."

the worst part is, this is the him i fell in love with.
not the him who he is now.
and i'm not in love with him anymore. i'm in love with who he was, but i'm standing on the halfway line once again of moving on or staying to him.
even if i haven't talked to him in months. which is so fucking stupid...

i hate myself. i honestly do.