Saturday, April 26, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
insomnia episode.
i've been thinking a lot lately. none of it good. one of the things i've realized will change me forever. and i'm afraid to tell anyone. why? i'm not sure. i'm really, really not sure, but i don't want people to think of me differently.
i really hate how i care what people think of me.
i've had so many fucking insomnia episodes lately it's driving me up the fucking wall... i can barely even see anything anymore. every second i close my eyes it wanders and i'm fucked up further. sleep is not even real to me. just... a dream. no pun intended.
and some people who i thought i could honestly trust. turns out i can't.
"i think u r fat and insecure bout that and u really do care that people call u fat. i also find u horrific and disgusting in the way that u look and act. u r an attention whore and a bitch. u r very annoying. i dislike havingtosee you so much. im glad i wont have to see u ever again after this year. i dont know why people like u. gross. i hate you.
i like yur myspace song though and im sure u have a kinda nice personality but i really dont like u. no hard feelings or anything just speaking my opinion.
maybe that wuz a little to harsh. oh well its jus wat i think."
that pretty much sums up my personality, y/n?
yeah.
i've been missing my ex... a LOT, lately. like, rediculous amounts. i wrote some shit about him i guess.
"i can barely keep my eyes open. everything is out of focus and far away... these are the moments i miss him. because when everything is fuzzy, it reminds me of us together. laying on my bed with my head on his chest. or kissing him while he played the guitar.. or him calling me beautiful and babe and i believed it because it was him. and knowing if he was here, i wouldn't be so tired. he was my lullaby. i would be happy. he was my heart. i wouldn't be almost crying. i miss his kisses. his smell. his calloused hands. his hugs. his, "i love you's." how against alcohol he was then, and how now he isn't. how pretty he thought i was and how pretty i knew i wasn't. him keeping me up late and waking me up early. his music. his laugh. his voice."
the worst part is, this is the him i fell in love with.
not the him who he is now.
and i'm not in love with him anymore. i'm in love with who he was, but i'm standing on the halfway line once again of moving on or staying to him.
even if i haven't talked to him in months. which is so fucking stupid...
i hate myself. i honestly do.
i really hate how i care what people think of me.
i've had so many fucking insomnia episodes lately it's driving me up the fucking wall... i can barely even see anything anymore. every second i close my eyes it wanders and i'm fucked up further. sleep is not even real to me. just... a dream. no pun intended.
and some people who i thought i could honestly trust. turns out i can't.
"i think u r fat and insecure bout that and u really do care that people call u fat. i also find u horrific and disgusting in the way that u look and act. u r an attention whore and a bitch. u r very annoying. i dislike havingtosee you so much. im glad i wont have to see u ever again after this year. i dont know why people like u. gross. i hate you.
i like yur myspace song though and im sure u have a kinda nice personality but i really dont like u. no hard feelings or anything just speaking my opinion.
maybe that wuz a little to harsh. oh well its jus wat i think."
that pretty much sums up my personality, y/n?
yeah.
i've been missing my ex... a LOT, lately. like, rediculous amounts. i wrote some shit about him i guess.
"i can barely keep my eyes open. everything is out of focus and far away... these are the moments i miss him. because when everything is fuzzy, it reminds me of us together. laying on my bed with my head on his chest. or kissing him while he played the guitar.. or him calling me beautiful and babe and i believed it because it was him. and knowing if he was here, i wouldn't be so tired. he was my lullaby. i would be happy. he was my heart. i wouldn't be almost crying. i miss his kisses. his smell. his calloused hands. his hugs. his, "i love you's." how against alcohol he was then, and how now he isn't. how pretty he thought i was and how pretty i knew i wasn't. him keeping me up late and waking me up early. his music. his laugh. his voice."
the worst part is, this is the him i fell in love with.
not the him who he is now.
and i'm not in love with him anymore. i'm in love with who he was, but i'm standing on the halfway line once again of moving on or staying to him.
even if i haven't talked to him in months. which is so fucking stupid...
i hate myself. i honestly do.
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