i've hit rock bottom. it's a strange feeling i'd have to say. going from conquer, to conquered. i have a deadweight in my stomache that's not coming out anytime soon no matter how many times i try to throw up.
it's summer, and i couldn't be less happy. i don't know what to do. i want to act happy.
i take it out on my good friends, apparently.
this dead weight is like.. i guess the only word is culminating.
i'm trying to find art in something but all i see is dizzy.
i've stopped eating.
i've stopped thinking, too.
i can't make my head into thoughts, into words. i can't, just live.
i'm into my old cycle that i worked months to get out of..
get happy, get fucking sad thirty minutes later, lose a couple good friends, stop sleeping, dead weight, no eating, no happy.
get happy again. crash again. lose people again.
this was the hardest thing in the world.
what the fuck am i going to do with my life? does anyone ever ask you that?
what the FUCK are you doing with your life.
what are you even doing reading this blog? does this enlighten you? to do what, post another just like this? to tell your friends about it? i don't get it. i don't get any of it.
why do we do what we do? what are you going to do with yourself?
what am I going to do with myself?
i try to do all these things and never get around to it. why? i'm scared. i'm a pussy, when it comes down to it. i try to act badass with cuss words and hanging out with older people and taking pain with a dose of salt... but what am i, really? what are you? what are we?
and don't say human.
on the "bright hand," DCFC is in 12 days. that's something i'm happy for.
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